The Beginning

My first entry hopefully of many.  I am a wife, and mother and sometimes I am Cheryl.  While I consider motherhood to be one of the hardest jobs I have ever taken on, I feel so privilege to be given this wonderful job.  My children are Ewan (4) and Ada (1).  My husband of now 9 years is Ben (he’s my nutty professor).

Just cooked up a vanilla slice today – never done one before I just felt like it, rather than going down the shop I just thought that I might make one.  It helps me to feel like I have achieved something.  Besides it always tastes nicer (I hope) and its an easy way of making people happy even if it is just for a moment.

I am an artist currently doing a bit of study in visual arts (cert III).  I could do a higher degree in visual arts, but I prefer it just to be something to keep my brain active.  I also prefer it to be more hands on than intellect – which this course is.  I love being a mum and just want to keep my toes in the art pool while my kids are young.  I can’t believe how fast they are growing.

I have to get some paintings done for my art group.  I also need one done for a Rotary Park exhibition in Flagstaff Hill.  Feeling a little pressured.  I volunteered to do a demonstration for my art group on how to photograph paintings (photography being another hobby of mine).  At the time I thought that I could do it sometime later in the year when I had a little less on.  I got a phone call, you know the kind where they say “you don’t have to but we don’t have anyone to do it… ”  I repeatedly said no, but after 3 or 4 phone calls later I figured that the “you don’t have to” was actually you will be doing it.  I am a bit stress about it.  Its not just the workload and the sleep that I will lack in the next 2-3 weeks I have to prepare in the night hours when my kids are asleep.  But it is also this feeling of inadequacy. Perhaps I shouldn’t be.  Every time I do something like this it is like I have to convince myself that I can do it and I have something of value to share.  I am a self taught enthusiast photographer, I am a beginner really.  Just like I am a self taught artist.  I hate exhibitions, no one has ever told me this, but I always battle with the feeling that I don’t deserve to have my painting up on the wall.  That they aren’t good enough.  It doesn’t help when I have only sold one painting to someone outside of my family.  People tell me though that I have a gift.  Beside I can’t stop painting, nor can I stop taking photos, I just love it so much.  They both just make sense to me, its like something inside of me becomes alive.  I make alot of mistakes though, but that’s ok, I also learn.  I will just have to mentally convince myself that i can do this demonstration… Still stressed…

The Melbourne fires (black Saturday) happened last Saturday.  Tears still come to my eyes when I think about it.  All I have to do is see a flash of something that reminds me of it and I am saddened.  I didn’t lose anyone I knew.  Nor do I know anyone who lost their house.  I just lost my fellow Australian’s, and those who survived lost their homes and belongings.  People like me just trying to bring up a family, or grandparents who had done their innings, teenagers who were fresh trees spreading out their branches and children just like my beautiful children.  Death and loss its such a difficult aspect to this brief life that we have.

Been thinking about my little niece who died either the 2nd or 3rd of March last year.  She was so little and I didn’t get to see her alive.  She lived so briefly on this earth, yet a part of me really misses her.  I really did want her to live.  I really do battle with the concept of death.  Til I see you in heaven our beautiful Isabel.  To my brother and sister-in-law who are still battling their grief, I love you.

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About Vulnerability of the heart

I am a wife, a mother, and a treasured child of God. My Christian faith is my source of strength. I’ve fallen into the depths of despair and been carried out of it in the loving arms of God. By his grace I have been healed. God has taken me on an incredible journey of discovering his love and faithfulness. I believe in a merciful God who has never left me. He is forever faithful.
This entry was posted in Family, Photography, Visual Art - Drawing & Painting. Bookmark the permalink.

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