Letting go

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Over the last week I have had this terrible ache in my heart.  It started as a niggle; almost not noticeable. However, as the days have gone on it has become very heavy.

For the last three days I felt led by God to speak out the hurt inflicted by the Religious Church and speak forgiveness towards it. I felt led speak out the breaking off of the shackles that had formed because of the Religious Church. It has been quite a pain-filled journey, one that I thought I had resolved long ago when God’s grace brought me low. The church who I loved became something that I never saw. I experienced the betrayal and rejection by the hand of religion.

I just thought this was something personal that God wanted me to work through.  However, as today has gone on the burden has just overwhelmed me. Not only was the pain intense, but I also felt nauseous.  I had this deep broken-heart for reasons that I couldn’t even understand. It felt more then just me, like something bigger then me was broken.  It felt like a deep grief and tearing away. I have spent my evening seeking God for the reason for this intense pain. Just now as I am going to sleep I felt God stir in my heart the need to write this letter.

“To the Religious Church

I have prevailed long enough. I have poured on you my mercy, but today I walk away. I turn my back on you. I cry tears, great mourning for what was, but my mercy you did not receive. I have violently loved you, but you have rejected me. I say to you, you were my beautiful woman. I poured myself out for you, how much I loved you, but you responded with pride; with refusal to bend. You responded with no love for me. No you responded with stubbornness. When I asked you to move you refused. You quoted scriptures at me. You spat in my face and refused to let me in your doors. How I cried and knocked at your door, but you refused to let me in. I have sat at on your doorstep, with a longing heart I waited for you to open your door. How I have loved you. You who were my child.

You rose up above me. The river that should have flowed from my throne came from another way, it was black like sludge. Whoever it touched their hearts were turned away from my love. No they did not see me, they only saw you. I mourn for the ones I have lost because of you.

I move my hand away now, for my hope is in the ones who see me; those who have dedicated their heart to mine. Who stood at your door, but you wouldn’t open for them. My heart is open to those who seek me at all cost. Whose feet have walked my hard road, who have refused to bow to your demands. My heart is open to those who love me. They counted the cost and have followed me. Instead of drinking from your river of filth, they drink from the river coming from my throne. They see me with their very own eyes. Oh how I love them and am so proud of their sacrifice for my love. There is no greater love than this. Love that lets go of all for me. For I will reward the heart of the one who is surrendered to me, with rivers of joy. I will pour my hope upon them and they will see more greater things than what they let go. I will arise in them and they will rise with me. For unlike the one who did not know me and rose above me, they remained low. They remained low in the midst of the many who refused to bow to me.

I have great joy as a I see a new birth come forth from the midst of the hidden places. Oh religious church I will not partake in your church no more. No I will not participate in your worship. I will be silent in your walls. In your hallways I will not walk. In your seats I will not sit. For I waited for you to come, but you refused. So today I put an end to my waiting. You have become like vomit in my mouth. My heart has broken for you, but I will not wait anymore. For from the ruin of what you have done I will cause my beautiful one to arise. She will arise in my glory. Such beauty that you never matched. My joy is complete, she is my delight. Her song is the sweetest melody. Such sweetness comes from her. I love her steps on my pathway for they are light and steadfast. She is focused on me and knows my Love. Oh my delight she is. My heart is wide open for her. I draw her into my embrace, I draw her close to me. She, my beautiful one, moves with me; in time with my heart. She knows the melody that rises out of my heart.

Today religious church I walk away and wait for you no longer. Today I break the shackles that bound you to me. For I tried to have you bound to my heart, but you refused. I will prevail with you no longer. Yes I will no longer fight. Go, for I will not partake in your plan. I turn my back on you and walk away. I have waited long enough. I will wait no more. My mercy is available to anyone who seeks it, but you never sought it. I let you go. You participates in lies and refuse to walk in my truth. You are no longer mine.”

Probably one of those most spontaneous and difficult letters I have ever written. I feel shattered. Tears pour from my eyes. I feel God’s brokenness as He walks away from the one He loved.

About Vulnerability of the heart

I am a wife, a mother, and a treasured child of God. My Christian faith is my source of strength. I’ve fallen into the depths of despair and been carried out of it in the loving arms of God. By his grace I have been healed. God has taken me on an incredible journey of discovering his love and faithfulness. I believe in a merciful God who has never left me. He is forever faithful.
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8 Responses to Letting go

  1. waltsamp says:

    This is an entirely different post from your “We will see Jesus with new eyes.” I do not know what changed your feelings and lost you your hope for a renewal of the Church. If in fact you have. Perhaps what you have written to the Religious Church out of your heartfelt agony is much like the Old Testament prophets felt when they had to condemn their people. Yet the prophets also often spoke of God’s mercy and His promise of a renewal of their nation. May you continue to trust in God and find comfort in Christ’s work in your life.

    • I still have a hope for the church. This is not a post about losing hope for the church. In fact, it is a post about God’s church rising out of religion and God not partnering with religion. Jesus didn’t partner with the religious leaders when He was present on this earth. When opportunity arose He gave mercy, however, most of the time His mercy wasn’t received. He did, however, dedicate a large portion of His time on earth to a select few disciples who, after His death, birthed the early church found in the book of Acts. This post is based on the grief of God at having to turn His back on religion who, despite Him holding out mercy, continued in their way in not turning back to God. It is a letter of grief, but also a letter which contains hope that God’s beautiful church will separate herself from the religious church.

      • waltsamp says:

        For a long time I have hoping for the reformation of Christianity. I even wrote a post a while back describing ten to twelve types of churches that needed reformation. Your religious church could be one of those. If it isn’t I could add it to my list. However, I think what is more important is that what you call “God’s beautiful church” comes into existence because people like you are separating themselves from religion and becoming the people of God in all that it means.
        Attempting to change the religious is probably futile. Most Christian institutions seem quite content to be what they are.

      • waltsamp says:

        P.S. Thanks for reminding me to be careful in my criticism of churches. I think I needed that.

  2. Yes it can be difficult to change religion in another. But in my journey I have learned that religion has also existed in me. Facing my religion and then walking in relationship/faith with God has proved to be interesting. There is a certain security in religion, there are many rules to follow and this gives you a ‘sense of safety’. When you start to walk away from religion and place importance on intimacy with God, He break those rules down. This breaking of those rules can leave you feeling vulnerable and uncertain. You have to lean closer into God for security. God even asks you to do things that break religious rules and you stop getting approval. Intimacy with God is worth it. Religion hurts and because of that, if you are going to move out of religion into intimacy with God, there needs to be a resolution of the pain, as well as a journey to forgiveness. It isn’t easy walking away from religion and staying soft-hearted, however, I think it is worth it.

  3. Pingback: The Kings Scepter | Vulnerability of the heart…

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