I woke up last night several times. Every-time I did there was this unusual dead silence in the room. I guess not that unusual as it was night-time, however, it wasn’t so much the silence that was strange, but it was what I felt in the spirit. In the Spirit I felt this great sense of unknown, combined with fear. After waking several times to the same thing, I said to God, “Is this me?” At which point God showed me a scene of many eyes looking around them. They were in a shroud of darkness, afraid of the unknown. They were looking for something; some certainty. They had lost what they had before as security and didn’t know how to negotiate the new that was before them. As I lay there in my bed, I said to God, “There is something familiar about this scene that I am watching, what is it?” At this point God took me back to the time when I was in counselling. I use to have an alternate personality called Matilda, she was very protective. Everyone of my alternate personalities had a role in the system, her role was simply to protect. Matilda had a very challenging personality. Sometimes her protection was really unkind and brutal, but to her it was justified. Everyone had to follow the rules, if you didn’t you were punished. To her the only way to protect the system was through rules and absolute unquestioning obedience. This behaviour and thinking made Matilda very challenging to live with. I would spend many moments talking to her about showing grace for others in the system and also trying to encourage her to have understanding towards my then young, growing children when they made mistakes. While I found her a challenging, I am am now grateful for the amount of times she saved me from harm or even suicide. She fulfilled her role in her own sin tainted way. Matilda maintained her position of protection for 24 hours, seven days a week.
When Jesus met Matilda in the counselling room he took her to the strangest of places. With many of my other alternate personalities Jesus would take them to beautiful places, like: the river of life, or sitting on the Father’s lap. With Matilda he took her to this place which had nothing. The ground was grey and void. The only exception was the sky, which had this golden blanket of light. The sky was a bit of a mystery that I couldn’t quite work out. What was peculiar about this light is it wasn’t like light from the sun (a light that can be traced back to one source), this was a light coming from many sources. This light was as far as I could see above us. Apart from the sky, everywhere else around her was an endless scene of nothing. I remember sitting watching on thinking to myself, “What is this place and why has Jesus brought us here?” For me it was a dull, colourless, lifeless place, but for Matilda I felt something in her that I had never felt before. She was at peace. There was conformity and no surprises, no unknowns. It was an endless place of nothing and therefore it was an endless place of ‘the known’. This endless place of known created in her a peace.
Matilda worked hard to protect me, she never rested from her job. So when Jesus asked her to surrender her position of protection and the source of strength, she initially resisted quite strongly. As someone who was looking on to Matilda I could see this huge angry, muscular, black beast on her back. I remember it having like a huge hammer in its hand. It was like an army. He was her strong one and the source of her power. Very clearly I could see that her source of strength wasn’t from God. It was demonic. He was cruel and boasted of his strength. He would declare that we couldn’t do without him. When he came under threat I would feel a terrible pain response in my body. He was unkind to me and unkind to those I knew and loved. To me looking on, letting go of this source of strength was a good thing, but to Matilda Jesus’ request struck fear in her heart. For you see if she gave up her source of strength, how was she going to protect us? What was the alternative? She couldn’t do it.
When Jesus saw how strongly Matilda held onto her source of strength and the fear she had of letting him go, his response was not of anger, but of loving compassion. Jesus revealed God, or Almighty God for want of a better explanation. He was this huge presence. So big that all I could see of him was his big toe. He felt strong and commanding, like nothing could come against him. He showed Matilda the sky, the golden light from many sources. He explained to her that the great expanse of light above was his legion of Angels. Each warrior Angel was emitting this golden light. He continued by declaring that he was the Almighty God, and that he was the Commander of this Army. The enemies army (and its strength) was so small, nothing in comparison to the Almighty God. Upon this revelation of the Almighty God, Matilda surrendered her source of strength and bound herself to Jesus. She declared that the Almighty God, was her source of strength. That he was her Commander. When the demon came face to face with Jesus, this beast (once Matilda’s strength) went from this huge towering strong one to a whimpering fool. At one command of Jesus it was no more. It may have been a strong-one outside of God’s presence, but in the presence of Jesus it was no match.
I remember in that moment looking at Matilda; she looked so different. In the past she was this hostile, unrelenting fortress, but this time when I looked at her she just looked exhausted. She had battled for so long to protect me, but her source wasn’t an enduring strength. She needed rest. At that moment she was given permission to rest. God was now my protector. That night she slept.
During the night of Matilda’s first sleep I awoke to this unusual silence in the room, a silence similar to what I felt last night. I checked on all of the other alternate personalities that still existed in me (I use to call them ‘the girls’ or ‘my girls’). When I did I saw a scene very similar to what I saw last night. They were afraid. I could see their childlike eyes wide and filled with fear. Their source of protection was now asleep and they had lost their safety. In the change of the system, the change that needed to happen, they had lost everything they knew. They didn’t know how to protect themselves, they didn’t even know what to do next, so they retreated to fear. When I asked them why they were afraid they said they had lost Matilda and they couldn’t wake her to get her to protect them in the night. Upon them saying this I asked them to look for the one we called, ‘The Protector’. I looked for Jesus. When I did this brightly lit man appeared. Seeing my girls, he looked on with this gentle, kind smile. To one of my girls he reached down to her and tickled her. She immediately started to laugh. At the appearance of ‘The Protector’, Jesus, the atmosphere changed. The sound of laughter from one of the girls brought this relief to the fear. There was this intense love and warmth in the room. Everyone felt safe. That night it wasn’t just Matilda that slept. A peace came and I slept as well.
I don’t talk about my life when I was split into parts often, I don’t know why? I guess I don’t find many opportunities to talk about it. But last night it was like God was reminding me of the time I, Cheryl, through Matilda’s eyes met the Commander of the Army and his legion of mighty warrior angels.
What he showed me last night was a scene of many people, who like my girls all of those years ago, are in the midst of a necessary change, a place of unknown. If this is something you can relate to, let me encourage you to look for The Protector, Jesus, as we did all of those years ago. I assure you he will not let you down. He will bring a peace beyond your understanding and with it a warmth and joy that will resonate within your soul to overflowing.
As we enter this new unknown, know he, Almighty God is with us, blessings xx
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