For many months I have questioned God, not found his closeness and have felt lost. Years of rejection has resulted in isolation. I have felt so lonely and struggled. If I have looked beyond myself to my family, my neighbours, my city, nation, this world; the pain and heartache has been intense. It has been so hard to watch and I have lost joy. I have struggled in the darkness. At night I have questioned God and my purpose. Sleep has been rare and fitful. In the morning, the intense ache I have felt has led to hopelessness. Why get up and see another day through? Is there an end to this? I know God is my hope, but where is he? Will I feel God’s closeness again?
After a long season of silence, God showed me an image while eating breakfast earlier this week. The scene flashed so quickly in my minds eye that I could have easily missed it. A saw a golden scepter hit the foundation of this earth. Golden ripples swept across the whole earth. In response, the earth shook. Immediately I remembered a prophetic word God had given me. I then heard God say, “Cheryl remember, I told of this moment. I have not left you. Find the word I gave you and then you will understand the season of now.”
The memory of this vision was faint, however, I knew that I had written it in my journal. After a bit of searching, here is the word God gave me on the 21st of October in 2018:
I saw a Kings large scepter hit the earth. When it did, I saw something like an earthquake, but looked more like a large sound wave move over the earth. Then I heard the words, “I am bringing a separation. A divide. A distinction. I say Enough no more! With my roar (I heard and saw a Lion Roaring) I will bring division and distinction. I will consume the enemy and destroy it’s power. I am the King Almighty. I am THE ONE who has ALL authority!”
Upon reading the word I was then reminded of another word that God gave me late one night on the 28th of February in 2018. On this night God asked me to write a letter. A letter which described his broken heart. I remember that by the time I finished writing the letter I was sobbing. I posted the letter here on my blog, Vulnerability of the Heart. It was one of those words that caused a huge stir. It was seen as controversial. Many struggled with my speaking out. Saying that I was attacking the church. That I had shifted away from his message of love; God would not say such a thing to the Church. As a result of the post, I was shunned. Now nearly 3 years later, God took me back to that controversial letter. Below is a small sample of that letter (the full letter can be found here, Letting go). In this letter God spoke to two Churches: The Religious Church and His Beautiful One that will arise from the ashes.
“To the Religious Church
I have prevailed long enough. I have poured on you my mercy, but today I walk away. I turn my back on you. I cry tears, great mourning for what was, but my mercy you did not receive. I have violently loved you, but you have rejected me. I say to you, you were my beautiful woman. I poured myself out for you, how much I loved you, but you responded with pride; with refusal to bend. You responded with no love for me. No you responded with stubbornness. When I asked you to move you refused. You quoted scriptures at me. You spat in my face and refused to let me in your doors. How I cried and knocked at your door, but you refused to let me in. I have sat at on your doorstep, with a longing heart I waited for you to open your door. How I have loved you. You who were my child…
I move my hand away now, for my hope is in the ones who see me; those who have dedicated their heart to mine. Who stood at your door, but you wouldn’t open for them. My heart is open to those who seek me at all cost. Whose feet have walked my hard road, who have refused to bow to your demands. My heart is open to those who love me. They counted the cost and have followed me. Instead of drinking from your river of filth, they drink from the river coming from my throne. They see me with their very own eyes. Oh how I love them and am so proud of their sacrifice for my love. There is no greater love than this. Love that lets go of all for me. For I will reward the heart of the one who is surrendered to me, with rivers of joy. I will pour my hope upon them and they will see more greater things than what they let go. I will arise in them and they will rise with me. For unlike the one who did not know me and rose above me, they remained low. They remained low in the midst of the many who refused to bow to me.
I have great joy as a I see a new birth come forth from the midst of the hidden places. Oh religious church I will not partake in your church no more. No I will not participate in your worship. I will be silent in your walls. In your hallways I will not walk. In your seats I will not sit. For I waited for you to come, but you refused. So today I put an end to my waiting. You have become like vomit in my mouth. My heart has broken for you, but I will not wait anymore. For from the ruin of what you have done I will cause my beautiful one to arise. She will arise in my glory. Such beauty that you never matched. My joy is complete, she is my delight. Her song is the sweetest melody. Such sweetness comes from her. I love her steps on my pathway for they are light and steadfast. She is focused on me and knows my Love. Oh my delight she is. My heart is wide open for her. I draw her into my embrace, I draw her close to me. She, my beautiful one, moves with me; in time with my heart. She knows the melody that rises out of my heart…”
When God combined these two prophetic words written 8 months apart I understood this season so much more. Yes the last year or so has been hard; not just for me, but many. What has been particularly hard has been the division that has arisen. Family against family, friend against friend, community against community, nation against nation. Yet what I realised as I read these two words together is, God said this division was coming back in 2018. In fact, in someways he talks about it as important. That through this division he would bring a distinction. That this distinction would result in the defeat of the enemy, a separation and an arising of His Authority.
Sometimes when we are in the midst of despair it can be hard to see beyond the pain and get perspective. Perhaps you are like me and have felt lost. Maybe you have experienced the rejection of the Religious Church. Perhaps your grieving the past and struggling to enter the unknown new. If you are, God has not left us. No, he is watching over us closely. He has seen the pain we have endured. He is drawing us out of the ruin, just as he has promised. I can’t promise that the path ahead will be easy. I know the path behind me was not. But I do guarantee that God will be with us! His delight is us; his beloved, at times lost children. He is singing a sweet melody over us and we will arise in Him. Be encourage, don’t lose hope. Hold on tightly to God, even if he is just a faint memory. He is here, that’s is his promise. Hold him to it! He doesn’t fail.